In a world where most people run away from a python, 52-year-old Charles Osore of Luoka village decided to provide a “permanent solution” to his local human-wildlife conflict.
After a massive python decided his dog looked like a five-star meal, Mzee Osore skipped the 911 call and went straight to “John Wick” mode.
The Most Dramatic Show-and-Tell in History
Proving that he is the undisputed king of petty (and brave) protests, Osore didn’t just kill the snake—he packed up both the deceased dog and the deceased python and headed to the local police station.
It was the ultimate “Look what you made me do” moment, aimed at highlighting that the neighborhood’s wildlife was getting a bit too comfortable with the local pets.
KWS: “Thanks for the Snake, Have a Form!”
Instead of a medal for python-wrestling, Osore was presented with the holy grail of Kenyan bureaucracy: A Compensation Form.
The stunt worked so well it caught the attention of Citizen TV and prompted a high-level visit from the Kenya Wildlife Service (KWS). Senior Warden Grace Kariuki showed up at Osore’s home to thank him for his “cooperation”—which is a polite way of saying “thanks for not making us catch that thing”.
The Takeaway for Ugunja Residents:
- Wildlife Education: Residents like Alfred Onyango are finally learning the “proper channels” for reporting conflicts. Apparently, the proper channel involves a dead snake and a TV crew.
- Awareness Sessions: KWS has pledged to teach the community how to respond to wildlife. Step 1: Try not to be as metal as Mzee Osore.
- Speedy Service: Mzee Osore is now urging KWS to act with the same speed he used when he was “dealing” with the constrictor.
PERSONALLY THIS IS OUR TAKE MEDIA OF IMPUNITY THOUGHTS.
The legend of Mzee Osore and the Ugunja Python is essentially a masterclass in Kenyan “Applied Impunity” and the art of the Bureaucratic Shrug. Here is what we’ve learned from this scales-and-tails saga:
1. Lessons from the “Osore Doctrine”
- The “John Wick” Precedent: We learned that if a python eats your dog, you don’t need a therapist; you need a sharp object and the courage of a man who has absolutely nothing left to lose but his patience.
- The Power of the Macabre Parade: Apparently, the most effective way to get a government official to your house isn’t an email—it’s walking into a police station carrying two different types of carcasses. It’s the ultimate “Show and Tell” that HR departments usually frown upon.
- Forms are the Universal Cure: We learned that in the eyes of the State, a grieving man doesn’t need a hug or a new puppy—he needs a Compensation Form. It’s the government’s version of a “Get Well Soon” card, except it takes three years to process and requires five passport-sized photos.
- The “Citizen TV” Catalyst: If a tree falls in a forest and Linus Kaikai isn’t there to report it, did it even fall? Osore taught us that the KWS “Speedy Response Unit” is actually powered by television cameras.
2. How the Government Might Have Acted Better (The Humorous Revision)
While the government eventually showed up with their favorite weapon (paperwork), they could have handled this with a bit more flair:
The “Monkey Restraining Order”: Since the residents are now complaining about monkeys, the government could issue formal “Stop and Desist” orders to the local primate population. We all know how well “directives” work in 2026.
The “Snake-to-Sofa” Initiative: Instead of a compensation form, the government could have offered to turn the python into a high-end leather sofa for Mzee Osore. “You lost a dog, but you gained a 3-seater recliner.”
Hazard Pay for Petty Protests: The police station should have a dedicated “Dead Wildlife Drop-off Zone.” This would save officers the trauma of seeing a python in the reception area while they’re trying to enjoy their morning tea.
Pre-emptive Dog-Shields: Rather than “awareness sessions” after the dog is already inside the snake, KWS could have distributed tiny, spiked tactical vests for village dogs. If the snake tries to swallow, it gets a very spicy surprise.
Instant M-Pesa “Snake-Slayer” Bonus: Instead of the “Holy Grail of Forms,” the Warden should have arrived with a direct M-Pesa reversal of the snake’s life. A notification stating “You have received Ksh 5,000 for Python Disposal Services” would have been far more effective than a developmental path for monkeys.
How to “Survive” a Matatu Ride: The Commuter’s Guide to Extreme Sports
Since you enjoyed the guide for Kawangware, let’s look at another “highly recommended” survival strategy for the city. How to “Survive” a Matatu Ride: The Commuter’s Guide to Extreme Sports For more stories on the art of the “bad deal” and other local ironies, check out Impunity Daily.
Kilifi Duo Masters the Art of the Bad Deal, Pays Double for “Discount” Ivory
KILIFI – In a stunning display of financial incompetence that has left economists, accountants, and basic common sense weeping, two men in Kilifi have been royally schooled on the concept of “value for money.” The pair, Samuel Kazungu Duka (50) and Nelson Kiringi Nzai (25), appeared in court this week facing charges for possessing a single elephant tusk. The…
How to “Fix” a Tooth in Kawangware: A Step-by-Step Guide to Disaster
The High Cost of a “Cheap” Smile: Lessons from the Kawangware Tragedy The heartbreaking death of Amos Isoka in Kawangware is a dark reminder that when it comes to health, a “bargain” can be fatal. Amos sought a simple tooth extraction but ended up in a battle for his life at Kenyatta National Hospital after…
Opinion that Counts. 