When I was little – maybe 11 – I wanted to be friends with a girl who never seemed particularly interested in being my friend.

At my (inexplicable) insistence we spent a lot of time together but the effort I put into the relationship was definitely one-sided.

One afternoon at her house I woke up to the fact that she always treated me with a bit of disinterest, even disdain.

I told her it was time for me to go home and never called her again. She never called me either.

Very shortly after I started hanging out with a girl who seemed happy to hang out with me. The friendship was effortless and natural. We remain in contact to this day, decades later.

In your question I believe you are referring to a romantic pursuit, and in my experience above I am referring to a relationship between two friends. I think what I learned still applies.

Trying to force a relationship of any nature with someone who exhibits reluctance or a lack of enthusiasm for me is likely to set the tone for how the entire relationship is going to be.

Lukewarm, disinterested, leaving me with the feeling that I somehow would never be enough.

I can’t help but feel I deserve better than that.

If instead I invest time and effort in relationships with people who are just as enthusiastic about me as I am about them, I experience every day what it’s like to be loved for who I already am.

So, I don’t know exactly why I am sometimes interested in someone who is not interested in me – but I do know that when I feel this interest I have a choice.

I can ask myself what it is that I want: to be loved instantly and enthusiastically, or to struggle forever to attempt to show the other I am worthy of their love.