Article From Angela: South Africa

First a little intro about me.

I’ve recently turned 30. I’m an independent woman. I’ve worked and lived in 4 different countries and have explored far-off countries on my own. I come from a middle-class family and was raised with middle-class values. In short, what happened to me was quite shocking. My friends and family were stunned to see me turning into a totally different person whom they could no longer recognize.

It was an arranged set-up as we met on a matrimonial site and were expected to meet in-person in the next 20 days.

He was based in the US and I, at that time, was based in South East Asia. It was a coincidence that we were both heading to the same city in India at the same time.

After we met face to face, my family instantly disliked him due to his sheer arrogance, disrespect towards his own father and bluntness. I disagreed as I knew he lacked empathy because of his difficult childhood. I was naive enough to believe that I could fix him or that he could be fixed. I was naive enough to misinterpret his inner insecurities as straight forwardness.

He portrayed himself as an extremely supportive, understanding, broad-minded, loving person with high values. He shared how lonely he had felt since he was a child and I truly believed that together, we would fill that void in each other’s lives.

We got the Roka (engagement) ceremony done in just 10 days much to my family’s chagrin. The very next day we both flew back to our respective cities.

In the weeks following the trip to India, our whole relationship dynamic changed. He became very critical. His actual personality started to surface.

He turned from being supportive to someone who constantly criticized me for working late, taking more responsibility at work, going out with friends and socializing. He began to dictate how I should dress up, and how much weight I needed to lose. He also started inspecting my emails and vetting my FB friends.

At times he would be a totally different person and bombard me with video messages being lovey dovey. I was so confused. I was being gaslit.

His hot and cold behavior made me question a lot of things – my selfworth and my sanity. It made me question if he was wrong for me or whether I was inadequate for him. I became highly self critical.

In a span of 3 to 4 months, I changed completely. I went from being a cheerful, independent, high-energy, confident person to someone who suffered from a lot of anxieties and self doubt.

I decided to take a few days off from work and head home to India to celebrate my birthday with my family.

It was 4 days before my birthday that he decided to share his plans of what I should do after our wedding.

His plan involved me immediately quitting my current job, relocating back to India and focussing on getting a job in the US.

I was to follow him to the US only if I had a job or if I was wanting to become pregnant!

That was the last straw!

For the first time in 5 months, I stood up for myself. I had to remind him who I actually was. I had to remind him that I was making almost the same amount of money as he was making in US and that I wasn’t marrying him for financial reasons. I had to tell him that he should stop dictating his terms to me and that I was willing to be his life partner but not his slave.

The very next day, he called his mom to inform me, on his behalf, that he was no longer interested in marrying me.

Looking back, I honestly feel that I dodged a bullet. I would rather stay single than to marry a spineless narcissist.

Now, I’m back to being my true self.